Keep it simple. When all else fails, I like to have something fundamental to fall back on. Acceptance and Commitment therapy offers three main instructions (commandments, if you will) for living a rich and meaningful life.
- Be Present
- Open Up
- Do what matters
ACT calls this the Tri-Flex. I know, it sounds like some sort of inter-galactic anime weapon. Fortunately it also works for mortals on the battle-ground of the psyche. I’ll explain.
Be present. This is the foundation for connecting to our lives. Of course sometimes we need to consider the past and plan for the future, but if we never step out of these states and into the present we miss out on a lot. Savouring enjoyment. Communicating effectively. Changing unhelpful patterns. Processing emotions. Feeling satisfied with our work. Connecting to others. All of them require contacting the present moment. So when practicing ACT we learn how to become aware of what is showing up in the present: our thoughts and feelings, our actions, and our environment, and make use of that awareness.
Open up. Sometimes we’re faced with pain and discomfort. When difficult thoughts and feelings show up, it’s easy to close up in response, to hold on tightly to how we do or don’t want things to be. Unfortunately, all this tightening up often makes things worse. For example, that time your date ghosted you (which had nothing to do with you spending 25 minutes talking about your complicated relationship with your ex). Instead of allowing yourself to feel sad, you responded with a series of well-intentioned but unhelpful strategies. Multiple follow-up texts increasing in intensity, mental stories about how you’re never going to find the partner you want, getting angry at yourself for being so pathetic, scrolling instagram in a dark room for 3 hours straight with a bag of cheetos, etc. Opening up means making space for whatever emotions appear, and gently unhooking from unhelpful stories and actions that just make things worse. When we drop the struggle in this way, we free up a lot of energy to see more clearly and actually address what is important to us. That leads us to:
Do what matters. This is the spice of life. When we clarify our values, and then act on them on a day-to-day basis (even when it’s hard) our lives become more rich and meaningful. You may have noticed this already, but no matter what you do, life is painful. We don’t get a “no pain” option. I often tell people we get to choose one of two types: 1) the pain of ignoring your values and moving away from the kind of person you want to be, or; 2) the pain of living your values, moving toward the kind of person you want to be even when it’s difficult. No one except you can decide which pain is worth choosing. If you ask for my (perhaps biased) opinion, I think the pain of living our values offers more bang-for-your-buck.
Of course, to be helpful these need to be more than just ideas we talk (or write) about. They need to be done, practiced, experienced. The only way to brandish the Tri-Flex and subdue the dark enemies of the psyche, is to live it.