A lot of clients come to me struggling. As part of our interview, I usually ask them what they’ve tried before coming to me. Often, they will say something like “I try my best to be positive”, or “I should be grateful”, or some other version of ‘positive thinking’.
Our culture is taught that we should be positive from an early age. For most of the folks coming to therapy, the benefits of trying to be positive have reached their limit. Looking on the bright side just isn’t helping them in what they’re going through—instead it can make them feel guilty, ashamed, frustrated that even though they’re trying to be positive, they’re still struggling with difficult feelings and thoughts.
So usually, I suggest that we put aside that strategy for now.
Instead, we try something very different. Rather than trying to push away or change the difficult thoughts and feelings that have been showing up for them, we learn to drop the struggle. We open up to them, loosen around them, become curious about them. Often, people have been fighting for so long with their feelings, that they have a confused and estranged relationship with them. Making room for our feelings in this way allows us to get a deeper understanding of where they are coming from, and to respond more effectively to them.
Of course, we’re not making room for difficult feelings for no reason. Life involves pain, no matter how you slice it. We can either avoid and turn away from that pain, which usually leads to it building and getting worse over time. Or we can face it, respond effectively to it, and do what really matters to us. The latter is a path to a rich and meaningful life.